Round 3 of chemo today–maybe. I had an MRI yesterday morning and we may move up the surgery to remove the tumor, depending on the results. My oncologist is reviewing the scan as we speak. I’ll be honest, I’m a bit more scared than usual. It’s not a relaxing experience to be waiting for news of this sort.
There are two things keeping me sane and breathing right now: amazing people and amazing music. So if anyone is around online right now, I would love to hear from you about your favorite music and why you love it. Inspire me, comfort me, distract me! Thanks, friends.
This picture from Tennyson’s birthday perfectly captures how I feel about my family. In the early days after being diagnosed, I found myself contemplating death quite a bit. As frightening as the thought was, I couldn’t ignore that death might be calling to me and there is nothing I can do about it.
I was in the middle of one of these dark ponderings during a failed attempt at a nap when my thoughts drifted to Tennyson. I imagined him growing up without me and what that would be like for him. I thought of all the milestones and moments I would miss out on, and the darkness in my mind was growing even darker.
But in that moment, when self-pity was about to consume me, something profound happened: I decided that I want to live. It might seem like an obvious conclusion to reach, but it was a conclusion that I had to come to consciously. It was much deeper than a simple desire to survive. It was an empowering decision to take on this experience as an active and willful participant rather than a helpless passenger. It was a will to live surging from my core. It was a spiritual experience.
That moment marked the beginning of a shift away from relying on the confidence and faith of others toward becoming more self-reliant in the mental-emotional-spiritual aspect of my journey. Looking back, I don’t know how or if I would have made such a breakthrough without having this great kid in my life. I genuinely believe that the decision I made in that moment–to choose life–is the reason that I will beat cancer, and it is all thanks to his existence and my love for him. And for that reason he really is a superhero. Must be from his mom’s genes.