I’m sure you’re all sick of seeing my sad mug in chemo selfies, so here are two awesome faces for you to enjoy today instead.
I don’t have a single, clear thought I want to express today. The path of my emotional experience today has woven through moments of dread, excitement, gratitude, sentimentality, ennui, numbness, and–especially–love. I’m not emotionally unstable, it’s probably just the drugs.
I can’t easily pull a simple, Facebook-worthy lesson from this to share with everyone, but I guess that’s the point. I can say, “This is awful–I love it,” without irony or sarcasm, because both parts of the statement are true at the same time.
I’ve been through physical and emotional turmoil recently, but I’ve also been the recipient of more luck and love than anyone else I know during this time. Life is complex and diverse, and maybe the trick to making it a worthwhile experience is to deep-dive into the whole spectrum of feelings that life brings and develop a sense of curiosity about it. It’s okay to ask, “Why?” and, “What’s next?” but we can also ask, “Why not?” and, “How can I use this for good?”
This is how we manage our oxymoronic existence as things both acting and acted upon. We are neither helpless nor all powerful; we are participants in a massive, beautiful project of becoming, and our ability to recognize how we fit into it determines our opinion of the whole thing, as well as our general ability to create within it.
My hope is to surrender completely to the whole spectrum of my life, fully embrace my responsibility for it, experience creative joy throughout what’s left of it, and leave behind something beautiful when I’m done. And I’d really like to see what you are creating, too.