Not all days are awesome. I got my scan report early yesterday morning, and it showed that one of the modules in my lungs grew from 4mm to 7mm. Still not sure about next steps, but if you want the honest truth, it has been a rough 36 hours. Turns out that overcoming one’s fear of death is a repetitive process. I couldn’t sleep after getting the news, and I spent all of yesterday exhausted and worried.
Im happy to report, though, that I’ve moved out of the initial chaos and into the recovery phase of this particular scare. Three things in particular have helped me get myself back on my feet:
1. Juanique. She completely took up the slack for me yesterday while I waded through my dark stupor. This affects her just as much as me, but she was a rock while I was putty. Thanks to her strength I was able to process my experience, get some serious sleep, and exercise some demons.
2. Faith. When we find ourselves teetering on the edge of the black abyss, we have two choices: let the fear overwhelm, curl up into a ball, and give up. OR figure out what you believe in and trust that it will catch you when you dive into the blackness. It has never been easy for me, and I would never mistake faith for surety, but I choose to believe in something and dive in faith. What that faith entails is an entirely different matter, though…
3. Gratitude. Have I beat this drum enough? Every 👏 Single 👏 Time 👏 I find myself mired down in emotional muck, gratitude is the rope of grace that helps me pull myself back onto solid ground. Thanks to a solid night of sleep, I had the opportunity to spend about 45 minutes of solitude with a mug of apple cider vinegar and a notepad. Taking the mug’s advice, I began writing down things I feel particularly grateful for today. What you see is about half of the list I wrote before Tennyson came downstairs to entertain me.
The fear still lives in the back of my mind. There is still a lot of shadowy doubt surrounding my present situation. But I am no longer incapacitated, my energy is back, and I can see a few steps in front of me again. I am not alone, and, therefore, I can overcome. Thanks for letting me share my experience with you.